2020. I can imagine years from now the mention of this date will bring with it a sigh and a heart ache for most of us. As I was reflecting on this year and trying my best to do some sort of planning for what the next couple of months could bring, I thought about some of the odd milestones we are about to reach. March 2021 will be one year since I physically went into a store! January and February mark the last months of our "normal life." March 2021 also will bring the last time we were physically inside our church building as a family--how saddened my heart is over that thought. July was the last time we saw our BFG (small group) at church outdoors. July was the last time we saw most of our Johnson family, and even that was socially distanced and outdoors.
Birthdays in 2020 were celebrated at home with drive through visits and zoom gatherings. We spent the 4th of July visiting cousins but staying 6ft apart and outside to watch Kurt's annual fireworks display. And just when we thought maybe, just maybe, it might be safe to do a little bit more, Leukemia sent us down a new path to an even deeper isolation. Shortly after, COVID began to surge again as well.
For me, 2020 has been a year filled with both grief and joy. From talking with other families who have faced a cancer diagnosis and from our own experience, we know there is a lot of grief to process with the initial diagnosis. We grieve our "old" way of life. We grieve the sweet innocence we never really knew we enjoyed--time without direct and specific concerns for the future that seem to mar even the most joyful of days.
Having had my own battles with chronic illness, I know a smidge of what it is like to grieve the loss of a "healthy" body, a body that hasn't betrayed you or limited what you can do. I know of the trauma that can result from suffering and how it sticks with you. While I believe this knowledge is a good gift in that it will help me understand more of Kurt's battle with Leukemia and be more empathetic, it also brings me much sadness in knowing how terrible and lasting some war wounds from illness can be.
One of the most difficult things this year has been watching the impact of COVID, isolation, and Kurt's illness on our children. Anxiety, loneliness, frustration, behavioral changes have had to be met and dealt with. Sometimes we didn't deal with them well either, as we were nursing our own heartaches.
One day at a time...365 days...and we have kept marching forward with hope and through the grace of our Savior. And here we stand on the precipice of 2021, looking back and we can find blessings too numerous to list or count. I want to list some of the major ones here, so that I do not forget the goodness God has shown us. In the hardest of years, He has surrounded us with love and encouragement. He has shown Himself ever faithful.
2020 is really all about perspective, so I choose to shift mine:
-Back in January and February, Kurt had to travel to California and New Orleans for business. We are so thankful that he remained healthy. He was in California right before the March shut down for COVID!
-In the early part of the year, I was dealing with a flare up of health issues. While I am still dealing with some of them, I saw great improvement throughout the year.
-I am thankful for a wonderful doctor who always responds to emails, checks on me, and has the capability to do virtual and phone visits. I'm thankful we could see her in July and that she re-checked Kurt's blood work, sending us on a whirlwind trip to a diagnosis with Leukemia before he was very symptomatic.
-When COVID first hit, I will admit I was anxious and fearful. I had a slew of health issues that made me more vulnerable and I wondered what would happen if I caught it. We were very strict about isolating, mask wearing, and social distancing. I prayed for wisdom and discernment. I didn't want to be too lax, but I didn't want to live in fear either. God granted me such peace. I firmly believe He gave me the push to keep practicing wisdom through proper precautions because He knew Leukemia was coming and that Kurt was so much more at risk than we knew (during the summer).
-I am thankful our children celebrated their birthdays. We now have a 5, 9, and 12 year old! Each birthday showed our children just how much they are loved. Cards, phone calls, safe visits, gifts from teachers and friends all meant so much to them. Mabelle keeps a poster signed by her teacher and classmates in her room and still talks about it often.
-Because my parents have a lot of property, we were able to enjoy and explore outside a great deal. We loved hiking to the waterfall and spending time with Mamaw and Papaw in ways we normally don't get to do with hectic schedules. They let us put up a pool at their house and we enjoyed many hours swimming.
-We lost both of our dogs this year. I still miss them so much. Their presence was such a comfort in hard times. I am thankful that they both were able to pass peacefully at home with the help of a a wonderful vet from Lap of Love. When Mattie passed, God worked to allow me to be able to leave the hospital and come home for several hours. I was able to return with no issues.
-I am thankful that we have the resources of two wonderful therapists. They have helped our family process this year and have given us support in special ways.
-In July, we traveled to St. Louis to visit Kurt's family. We didn't know it then, but Leukemia cells were crowding out his healthy cells at a rapid rate. It was on the way home from this trip that we got the call to find a Hematologist/Oncologist asap. I am so thankful God protected us from illness during that trip and we got home safely.
-The week of Kurt's diagnosis is a bit of a blur for us, but one thing that stands out is how our family and friends immediately jumped into action to help us. Our parents cared for our children during that long 35 day hospital stay. Our BFG quickly organized meals, GoFundMe, and other resources to support our family. We could not have survived that time without our community.
-We got the phone call about Kurt's "terrible" blood work while we were driving home from STL. I think we were somewhere in Indiana. I had pulled the labs up on my phone. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew enough to know it wasn't good. Our doctor called us shortly after I saw them. She told us to pull over. Kurt got out to talk with her. He was as steady as could be and took it all in stride. 15 minutes later I found myself leaping out of the van while we got gas to walk and have a panic attack alone. We messaged a few medical friends from church and within an hour had an appointment with a wonderful doctor on Monday. Again, God showed us He would make a way!
-I am thankful God allowed Kurt a quick diagnosis with mild symptoms. He was very stable and strong physically when he was admitted the first time. I know that gave him a great starting point for a hard journey.
-Kurt's parents have been able to help us so much these past five months. We are so thankful that God used such a horrible thing to give us so much time with his parents. The kids love all the grandma and grandpa time and it has been nice to have them here for longer and more frequent stays! They are so helpful with everything from household chores to installing new lights!
-We are thankful for Kurt's team at UK. How amazing that we live in a city with such a wonderful research hospital downtown?! Kurt's doctors have proven to be extremely knowledgable and also extremely kind. We are thankful that they choose to serve others by doing what we know is such a demanding and hard job--physically and emotionally.
-My BSF study this year is on Genesis. I have marveled again over God's creation and the last few weeks have focused on his mercy and love for Abraham. We feel as though we have set out on a journey far from the life we knew. Like Abraham, we don't know what is to come, but we know WHO to trust!
-Our church hung the verse Hebrews 13:8 over the year. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." What a verse for 2020! Reminding ourselves of God's steadfastness has brought such comfort on dark days.
I could go on and on (if you made it this far, wow!). 2020 has been a hard, ugly year in many ways. There's no way to sweep that under the rug and pretend everything is just great. However, I am thankful for a merciful God who does bring good out of the bad. I am thankful that He is forever steadfast, forever merciful, and forever loving. With hope in Him, I can face 2021 with a deep joy and an abiding peace.
As one of my favorite songs by Sarah Groves says, "From this one place I can't see very far. In this one moment I am square in the dark. These are the things I will trust in my heart: You can see something else." Even though I have felt completely blind a lot of times this year, I find comfort in the fact that He can see something bigger, something beautiful, something else that I cannot.
Do as the old song says, and count your blessing...
Wishing you peace and joy this New Year.
-P
From This One Place--Sarah Groves
I was about to give up and that's no lie
Sang a song so beautiful, it made me cry
Took me back to a childhood tree, full of birds and dreams
In this one moment I'm square in the dark
These are the things I will trust in my heart
You can see something else, something else
Tiny cloud over my head, heavy and gray with a hint of dread
And I don't like to feel this way
Take me back to a window seat with clouds beneath my feet
In this one moment I'm square in the dark
These are the things I will trust in my heart
You can see something else, something else
In this one moment I'm square in the dark
These are the things I will trust in my heart
You can see something else
Something else, something else
You can see, you can see something else
You can see something else
(Take me back, take me back, take me back)
And sang a song, it was beautiful
(Take me back, take me back, take me back)
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