Adoption is definitely a roller coaster. Each morning I wake up thinking "maybe today" and when I go to bed at night that wonderful thing called hope has already kicked in and I think "maybe tomorrow." Hope. It's such a crazy thing! Even when I just want a "day off" or a "day to be grumpy and grumble" God's gracious gift of hope keeps me from throwing in the towel--because my HOPE is so much bigger than even my own life or this adoption. It's true. It's huge. And it's worth celebrating in the midst of what seems to be utter chaos.
We've had a busy few days in contact with our consultant about several cases. We're currently active with 4, though not the same 4 of last week (I told you this is crazy, right?!). We were alerted that one of the moms we had chosen had been found to be a scammer. I am so thankful for the protection of the agency and that no one was hurt by this desperate woman. How tragic that she thinks in order to gain attention and money that she needs to lie about something so true and heartbreaking to so many other birth moms. I'm praying that she'll find her true needs satisfied in Christ alone. Another birth mom that we presented to chose another family. For a third, a very young birth mother, we were asked to write a letter. That letter, which I may write about later, was probably one of the hardest things I have ever been asked to pen.
Anyway, we're still waiting and with each "no," we are getting close to the one "yes" we are longing to hear.
It was almost harder to hear the first "no" than it has been to hear the subsequent ones. I know this is because God shifted my perspective a great deal after I got a bit of a "weepy down in the dumps what's wrong with us" type attitude. Those thoughts were and are pure rebellion. God has a plan for our family. He has a child for our family. The story is written. Done. We're not waiting for some random chance to take place but for the little one who God knows needs us to be revealed. Now, if you know me at all, you know that I am a fast reader and not know what will happen drives me nuts until I get to the end of the book. I need to be able to hold all the pieces of the plot in my head as soon as possible. (I am the girl who, in 9th grade, had to go to the public library to get a copy of The Giver becasue I could not possibly wait to read it "as a class." It felt and still does feel like one of the most scandalous things I have every done). Then, I become one of those chronic re-readers. Once I know how the plot will develop, I can sit back and enjoy the language, the humor, sorrow, the beauty of a book. How many times have I experienced Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy's witty banter? Sherlock Holmes solving just one more case? Anne breaking that slate over Glibert's head? So, the girl who wants to hold all the pieces of the story in her hands in order to relax, breathe, and enjoy is forced to wait patiently while the next chapters are being written, so utterly and completely out of her hands.
I can fool myself into thinking that I have some amount of control about my every day life (and fooling myself into thinking that is a dangerous way to live and one I struggle to overcome each day), but with adoption, the lack of control becomes painfully obvious. So, we wait...open hands, open hearts, pens poised at the ready to write another chapter of this amazing story.
There's no skipping ahead...
**Just an update...there are two days left in our t-shirt fundraiser. The company emailed to let me know that even if we don't hit 50 they will still honor our original donations and print our shirts. We are currently at 42! It would be great to reach our fundrasing goal though. If you are interested, you can still get one here: Johnson Family Adoption Fundraiser